Twilight

As a rule, I avoid popular fiction. As another rule, though, I love teen fiction. However, when something's popular usually that means it's completely overrated. That's why it took so long for the peer pressure to wear me down until I finally got the first book, Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer. (I borrowed book one from a friend, so that I could keep a small part of my dignity, and so that I could keep my morals intact.)

Even though I went into this series with my eyes wide open -- knowing full well that it was written for teenagers, and that it was wildly popular -- the enormity of the emptiness still hit me pretty hard. I mean, there's really not much to it. Lots of clichés, lots of empty words (like my writing, I know), and lots of angst. With a series like this you are sure to expect some teenage angst, and the author does happily oblige. Personally I think the angst goes way off the deep end, though. Angst [What a fun word! Angst! Angst! Angst!] is one thing, but when you have to take a Xanax just to finish a chapter, that's pushing it a bit.

I'm not big into vampire books in general so I'm not sure how this series plays into the particular genre. Blood and gore are not my thing so I leave that genre to the die-hard emo amongst us. But anything that is this popular must have something going for it, right? RIGHT?

Book one did not hook me as quickly as I heard it hooked most. Maybe it's because my son told me if I ended up liking this series he would no longer have any respect for me (what little he may have had to begin with), or maybe it's because I knew how popular it is and the very core of my being rebelled against it simply for that. For whatever reason, I was not drawn in by the end of chapter one -- but that didn't keep me from reading it and wanting more. Kind of like watching a train wreck, you simply cannot turn away no matter how badly you want to. You have to watch it until its conclusion. You have no control.

One of the reasons I continued reading (even though I couldn't possibly have been less emotionally attached to the characters) was because of the fantastic quotes. Here are a couple of the ones that had me laughing:

"...the fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body."

and

"I didn't want to leave, but it was necessary. It's a bit easier to be around you when I'm not thirsty."

This girl sure knew how to pick friends. A vampire for a boyfriend and a werewolf for a best friend. How more believable could it get? Well, when we read fiction I guess we're not looking for believable so of course I just kept on reading.

I began to get emotionally involved by the end of book one, and the reason is because the main character openly begs to be turned into a vampire. What kind of idiot does it take to wish for such a thing? I wanted to grab this stupid girl and shake some sense into her -- and that's when I knew the needle was deep in my vein and there would be no turning back.

I flew through book one (Twilight) and book two (New Moon) pretty quickly, and then when it came time to start book three (Eclipse) the friend I had borrowed the books from suddenly was unavailable because her sister had a baby. Well, what's more important? Me, needing book three? Or her sister? Obviously me, but she seemed to think otherwise. I was left completely high and dry, without a fix on the horizon. I still refused to buy any of the books, so that wasn't an option. So I did what any self-respecting addict would do: I went on Facebook and put out the plea, asking who I could borrow book three from. Luckily a neighbor came through for me and I was able to pick up where I had unwillingly left off.

Then, when I had finished book three, I went back to my initial source and asked if she could lend me book four (Breaking Dawn). "Sure, sure, come over and I'll have it ready for you." I texted her all the way home from work (Yes, I'm guilty of DWT), telling her how far away I was from her house and such, but when I got there it was like a scene out of "Twilight Zone" (how fitting!). The lights were on but nobody was home. I banged on the door, I rang the bell, I kicked and screamed. (Just kidding, I didn't really ring the bell.)

So I got back in my car and drove to the bookstore and bought book four. There went my personal standards of conduct, my ethics, my morals... All out the window.

Of all the books, Breaking Dawn was the best. Meyer could have started with that last book, and then released the first three books years later -- Star Wars style. It felt like I had to rush through the first three just to get to book four, though it was worth the journey.

I know you're wondering how I'm considering this a book report when I'm not really telling you anything about the story. Well, what's there to say? It's a vampire story. I'm sure you can guess the rest. Vampires are cold and beautiful, werewolves are tall, hot and furry. I guess if Meyer had written it that way, it wouldn't have been four books and she wouldn't have made as much money.

After finishing all the books I decided that I already had compromised my morals so I might as well just give up entirely and watch the movie. No one seemed to own it in order for me to borrow it, so I got it on pay-per-view. Oh, if only I could take back those two hours (and $7) of my life! Please, I'm begging you, if any of you are considering watching the movie, do yourself a favor and don't. Do you remember watching after-school specials? the Twilight movie is like a horrible after-school special. About vampires. I didn't recognize any of the actors, the "acting" was horrible, the vampires (who are supposed to be beautiful) were nothing to look at. The movie destroyed the visions that I had formed in my head while reading the books. Seriously, it was bad. It seems I am the only one, however, to have this opinion of the movie -- so feel free to ignore me. Watch it at your own risk. If you've never seen gorgeous actors or great acting, you're sure to love it.

And now that I've openly admitted to liking the Twilight book(s), I don't know how I'll ever get back the respect of my son. I hope he'll still put me in the nice nursing home, instead of in a back room of a dilapidated trailer where there's just one TV and the only thing it shows is Twilight, over and over and over again.